Am I Normal?

I wrote this article for a blog/magazine called Warhol's Children. Just submitted it today, so still waiting to hear feedback, but I figure it could double up as my blog for this week as well - because I'm efficient like that.

So here it is! My take on how to act normal. Enjoy!

After 22 years of life, I have come to realise that maybe... I am not normal.

Normalcy is a funny thing, don't you think? Everyone has their own quirks, their own way of doing things yet we try to suppress these when faced with a situation where we want to impress people or seem competent. It's like there's an unspoken expectation for everyone to behave a certain way or be interested in certain things for the rest of society to approve. Isn't it bizarre that I will feel shame waiting for 10 cents change at a store, make the effort to fake laugh at an acquaintance's lame joke or spend 15 minutes desperately searching for an isolated toilet cubicle in the office because I'm so morbidly embarrassed to do something that in fact everyone does.

After much observation and attempts at replicating normal behaviour at my workplace and other such environments where acting normal is the best and safest option, I've taken the liberty of putting together a list of sure signs to indicate normalcy. This checklist is a great way to ensure that you're blending into the rest of society just fine.

I hate small talk. The thought of wasting my breath on something that I don't really care about sickens me, but the fact of the matter is, normal people love small talk. Especially about the weather. If your favourite topic to start the day with a friend or work colleague is the weather, that's a clear symptom of chronic normalcy. Whether it's about how atrocious the rain is, or how glorious it is to have the sun back, talking about the weather is a normal person's favourite conversation starter. It's neutral and something that everyone can relate to. You can even mix it up with some blatant and ironic sarcasm to really spice things up. "Can you believe the amazing weather we have today?" during a torrential rain storm - normal people eat that shit up!

You know you're normal when your idea of a deeply cultural experience is eating a terriyaki chicken sushi roll. Your choice in food is a definite decider of your normalcy that you will be mercilessly judged on by those around you. Some acceptable normal foods are ham-sandwiches, garden salads, apples and water. The eccentric dishes your mother puts together with obscure foreign ingredients are something you may want to save for when you're home alone if you want to appear a common and normal member of society. 

If you want to be normal, you also need to give the impression that your home is of Harvey Norman catalogue standards. If your home is furnished and decorated similarly to a display home you know you're on the right track. When guests come over, you may want to leave 1 item out of place for when they get there (e.g a book on the couch or a spoon on a table) and apologise profusely for the mess that they've had to witness and how embarrassed you are at how much you've let yourself go. This act of faux humiliation is typically seen from normal people.

Another good indication of your levels of normalcy can be seen through your likes and interests. When you're normal, high on your list of things that entertain you are pictures of cute animals wearing funny hats as well as playing hours upon hours of online games such as Farmville and Bejeweled. These are intense activities which require high levels of concentration and are a display of the cognitive skills you've developed over your lifetime. These games teach you about hand-eye coordination, accuracy, how to harvest virtual crops and other such fundamental life skills. If you want to be really normal, make sure you post your high scores on your Facebook page to make all your friends aware of your accomplishments. These posts can be accompanied with status updates about how it looks like a great day for a walk, or an Instagram photo of a sunset.

So maybe none of the above criteria applies to me. Maybe I am the only person at my work who uses the toilet for it's intended purpose. Maybe I'm not normal after all, but for some reason... I think I'm okay with that.

Thanks for reading, friend.
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'Til next Sunday!