Smells Like Teen Spirituality

To be honest, I've been so tied down this week I haven't had a chance to live life and observe things to make any comedic commentary on.

So, to save you from having to read about compiling spreadsheets or sleep deprivation (story of my life this past week), I want to write about something that's been on my mind for some time now. 

I really wanted to save this topic for a later date as it is a little bit controversial and I would like to have written about it when my blog had gained a bit more of an audience so I could potentially spark some conversation, but for the sake of not having any other material, this will have to do. Funny stuff to come in future posts, I promise! Just let my sentimental conscience have a run for its money this week....

I've been thinking about death a lot recently... Not in a creepy, dark way, but more of a "what if that happened to me?" kind of way. I don't know if turning 22 has signified the beginning of the end for me, but I'm starting to realise that death is a real possibility, and of course with death comes the unknown of life afterwards.

Another one of my mother's famous conditions of living under her roof is that I have to go to church with my family quite regularly. I think this is her attempt at keeping me in line, hoping that I'll someday find the light. The thing is, I think I'm a lot closer to finding it than she might think, I just hate the aspect of being forced into finding it. I refuse to be spoon-fed something that has been ingrained within me since birth, and for the same reason I hate it when my teammates cheat in pub-trivia, I like figuring things out for myself.
Though, as much as I hate being forced into going to church, in the end I never regret going.

I've grown up with Christians. And one thing you should know, that I really want to be clear right now is that Christians are no different to anyone else. In theory, yes, they should be kind-hearted and selfless in a way that reflects the basis of their beliefs - however, this isn't always the case. Christians are human, and like every other human, they will fail to be perfect. I hate exclusivity, and Christians, or at least a lot of the ones I know are the best at being exclusive. I went to a Christian lunch group in high school, and the feedback I heard from people who came to visit told me that the group was doing more harm than good, making them feel like outsiders or unwelcome. In trying to be a hero, I've made it a mantra to show people that it's not supposed to be like that. I wanted to show people that Christians were just people too, but I guess I've compromised myself along the way and done just as much damage as the hypocritical Christian groups in confusing people about what a Christian is. Now I'm sort of stuck trying to find how I can apply what I believe in to the life I live now.

The thing you should know is that no matter how hypocritical or poorly Christians reflect Christian values and morals (I am a great example of this), it doesn't change the entity or goodness of God. If you're searching for God in Christians, don't do it. You won't find what you're looking for and will only be gravely misled.

I don't mean for this to be a sermon, but merely a insight into my thoughts on the subject. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but the fact that I'm scared of death tells me that I have a long way to go in this discovery.

The thing is, I'm at a sort of agnostic-theist point where I believe in the existence of God, but have found little application for that belief. Believing that something exists isn't anywhere near enough. In turn, the lifestyle I live is almost atheist as the belief I have in God rarely makes it's way into my day-to-day, and I have not found myself actively searching for answers.... well, that is until now.

I've begun to question the point of some of my life goals, like saving money and owning property, because one day it won't matter anymore. One day you and I will be dead, and there is every possibility that we will be summoned to a spiritual realm of heaven or hell, and I'll be honest with you... when I think about that,when I really think about it, it scares me.
But the thing is, I don't want to be scared into believing something. I don't want to claim to believe something merely as a safety net or preference to the other option. If I believe it, I want the belief to be real, and that's the part I'm struggling with - whether my belief is due to true belief, or the conditioning of my upbringing. I sometimes question whether or not I would have the same beliefs if I were brought up in a different way, by different people. I think the existence of God makes sense, it's just the application or exercise of that belief that I find hard to comply with.

There really was no point in that ramble, I am so far from finding answers I can't exactly end this with an epiphany or moral of the story. But know that when I do find something, you'll be hearing about it...

In other news, I thought you'd be interested in seeing some analytics from my blog.

The past month, my top visitors have been from all those countries on the left.

The past week my top visitors have been from the above audiences.

This all might seem cool, but the data also tells me that a lot of page views I'm getting are from people who have typed in "lesbian threesome" into Google and landed HERE. (*facepalm*)

..... Not quite the overwhelming success/response I've been anticipating but it's still fairly early days.

If you have any thoughts on the above feel free to leave me a comment below, and like I said... funny stuff to make a re-appearance in the coming weeks.